Setting up the scene
Seeing outside my window and the road ahead is not a spot I really take in my house, although I like looking through the window. Have totally forgotten about that. Lately, I have just been sitting in my couch, with my TV on and the curtains shut, due to the neighbors from the other side. I live in the Netherlands where my neighbors don’t have curtains, and I don’t feel comfortable just laying around in my couch while I know they can see me; and neither I want to see them how they naked walk around their house. Definitely need some inspiration before I start a proper writing, so I go to my technique I used this past week. Box breathing: 4 seconds in the belly, hold it for 4 seconds, 4 seconds outbreath, and then be still for 4 seconds. Keeps me calm, but then I really need to be present and do it for a couple of minutes. This last part doesn’t always work.
The issue
Okay, last couple of years, I’ve been reading a lot. Starting from all those books for time management, girl boss power, finding your element… you name it. Nothing stuck with me. I was desperately looking over and over to find something I will understand or give me a more profound realization. Have been suffering mildly, nothing too much or unbearable, but always something. I thought that’s how it should be.
I love my family, my parents, brother and sister, and spending the time with them is always something that genuinely makes me happy. But other than that, I really didn’t know. I love my friends as well, and I have a dear and lovely contact with them. I have a nice job, sometimes work too hard, or get unsatisfied at work (but that’s a topic for another day). Still something was missing… and normally as a girl who hadn’t been in a proper relationship for most of her adult life… there it was… the missing thing… the boyfriend. If I “found” one, that would make me happy. That is the reason of all my unhappiness I feel in my life. I told you, it was mild suffering, nothing too unbearable, but life I guess shouldn’t be like that??
The scratch
On my first years that I moved to the Netherlands, one of my Dutch friends randomly asked: what do you want, what makes you happy, what are you looking for?
And I didn’t know how to answer… I really didn’t know what to answer. Probably I was just shocked from the directness of the question. Either way, I’m telling you, that’s not a good situation to be. Not knowing what you want, or not knowing how to answer such a meaningful question.
A tip: take your time, and frequently go into yourself and ask those questions. Write them down, erase them, redo them, update them… whatever it takes. And really understand why do you want those things. Do you genuinely want those things, and what would you to get to those things. Over time, eliminate, add new ones… but be make sure to be genuine to yourself.
Just did a Ctrl_ find to the words “always” and “never”, and identified 4 from the first and 1 from the second. Even after 2 years that I learned that its best not to use these words, I keep using them. When will I ever learn? 😊But, back to the topic….
The first crack
The moment I started asking those questions, for the first time ever I gave myself a role in my life, no matter how small at the time. For the first time, I truly was trying to collaborate with myself. And nope, it didn’t work… And that for me was the first crack…
Today, I am far away from there… and I still don’t always know the answer to those questions. But I know how to get there…
The mission
This fancy word used by all spiritual seekers… Freedom. I suppose that’s my mission. But no, for now what I really want is, put you in the right track if you need some help with finding yourself.
I will write short stories of different issues I have encountered until I got where I am now. Hopefully, that will show you best practices and misconceptions at different stages. Bare with me.
